Obviously I need to make a meal plan because winging it every day is only leading me to overeat and throw up. And then overeat some more.
So my meal plan for Monday through Friday of this is:
breakfast
hard boiled egg (70)
orange (65)
or
watermelon (50)
Honey Nut Cheerios* (110)
milk* (30)
lunch
diet coke (0)
veggies* (50)
snack
Cheez-Its (150)
dinner
meat (200)
bread* (150)
veggies (50)
dessert* (140)
total
max = 1015
min = 520
*optional
Sooo that's what I'll be sticking to. I'll have to reevaluate for the weekend, since my schedule is so different then.
I'll also be working out every day, either swimming, walking/running, softball on Tuesdays, or yoga.
Off to bed, I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow, and not looking forward to it.
Bisous.
Sunday, September 13
a constant disappointment
I'm absolutely disgusting. I hate myself so much. I'm such a tub of lard. Have you heard of the expression "ten pound sausage in a five pound casing"? Well I look (and feel) like a thirty pound sausage stuffed in a one pound casing. That is to say, absolutely repulsive.
There's this stupid voice in my head that is constantly telling me to eateateat, to skip class and sleep in until 3pm, to watch movies instead of working on homework, to go spend money on food that I seriously don't need...and then there's another one telling me to not eat ever, only drink water (and maybe diet coke), go run three miles, for god's sake do your fucking homework! I know I need to listen to that second voice and ignore the first, but..it's hard. It's hard because sleeping is easier than going to class. And mindlessly watching Netflix is easier than studying. And since I've had to get rid of all my other vices in the last few years, eating is the only vice I have left. And in so many ways, it is so much worse than some of the others I had. Unfortunately, no one is going to commit me to the psych ward for being fatfatfat, but they would do that (and have done that) for other things.
I went to rehab two and a half years ago. I won't lie...I kind of miss it. It's probably just some bizarre form of nostalgia, because when I was there I HATED it. Like...oh my god. I was miserable. My "team" (psychiatrist, therapist, doctor, etc) wanted me to stay for ten weeks, minimum. I ended up convincing them to let me go after just five weeks...I'm sure they thought I would relapse (I did, of course, as most people do). But I think they also realized that if they tried to keep me there longer, I would be so miserable that I would just get worse and worse, more and more depressed, completely defeating the purpose of being there in the first place.
So I actually went to TK near Chicago. If I had been there two years earlier I would have met Demi Lovato. Pretty crazy. She's talked about a lot around there, in a good way. So was Macklemore. I dunno. Anyways, why do I miss it? Because in some ways, being there was so easy. I had my schedule all planned out, but I didn't actually have to do anything. There were...consequences, I guess, for not participating in some things, but nothing horrid. Basically I just had less freedom. Which...it's not like I had a shit ton of freedom there anyways. It's like when a guy shaves every day...the hair he shaves off, well it's not a very big loss because there was hardly any hair to begin with, you know? (Sidenote: I really love making up stupid and ridiculous metaphors.) So taking away some of my "privileges" at TK was basically like them shaving off my 5 o'clock freedom shadow. Not exactly traumatizing.
And I met a really really great friend there, but she lives in Maryland. I feel like I have no real friends in my life right now. I had to cut my best friend out because our relationship was just so...messy. He broke my heart. Repeatedly. He and I were never only "just friends", but he told me he's not interested in dating me because I'm still in school and because I'm, for lack of a better word, crazy. He never actually called me crazy, but I know he hates a certain part of me. An aspect of myself that I hate too; it feels like a tumor on my personality. Weird emotions that don't always match the situation or the intensity level. It's weird and hard to be around sometimes, and I've gotten better at managing it but it's definitely still there. The problem is, I don't know if it'll ever disappear. Anyways, I guess he wanted to continue breaking my heart and I couldn't sit there watching him mack on other girls because it just killed me inside. Killed me. He held me to these impossibly high standards, yet it seemed like he had absolutely no standards with other girls. It hurt, it still hurts, and I will never understand why he did that. I want to be able to be only friends with him, but I've tried and tried and tried and it's just too damn painful. So I had to tell him that I needed space. And honestly...I don't know if I'll ever speak to him again. But my point before all that was, is that I don't really have friends. I have acquaintance-friends, like from work or school, but all my friend-friends are kind of out of my life. Some I left when I moved cities in January and the friendships just couldn't stand the test of distance. Some just faded. But making friends at TK was easier for me because I was with the same people all day. Plus, just being there meant that I had some similarities with others and they would be understanding with my issues whereas other people might run away. People actually cared about me there. Nobody does here, in the real world. (I mean, my family does, but it's more out of obligation than anything else, it seems like. Nobody in their right mind would have a daughter like me if they could choose.) TK was this depressing, difficult, frustrating, comfortable bubble.
My eating disorder bubble is like that TK bubble (but my eating disorder bubble doesn't cost $6000 per week). It's infuriating and never feels good enough but at the same time always feels good and comfortable. I don't know how to explain it. If you've been there, then you understand. If you haven't then you don't.
I want to lose weight. I want to not have to spend a single penny on food that just makes me feel more gross and more disgusting day after day. I want to be able to run ten miles straight. I want to be able to get up at 6am to work out before class. I want to have friends. I want to be skinny. I want to be bones. All bones.
I want to disappear.
There's this stupid voice in my head that is constantly telling me to eateateat, to skip class and sleep in until 3pm, to watch movies instead of working on homework, to go spend money on food that I seriously don't need...and then there's another one telling me to not eat ever, only drink water (and maybe diet coke), go run three miles, for god's sake do your fucking homework! I know I need to listen to that second voice and ignore the first, but..it's hard. It's hard because sleeping is easier than going to class. And mindlessly watching Netflix is easier than studying. And since I've had to get rid of all my other vices in the last few years, eating is the only vice I have left. And in so many ways, it is so much worse than some of the others I had. Unfortunately, no one is going to commit me to the psych ward for being fatfatfat, but they would do that (and have done that) for other things.
I went to rehab two and a half years ago. I won't lie...I kind of miss it. It's probably just some bizarre form of nostalgia, because when I was there I HATED it. Like...oh my god. I was miserable. My "team" (psychiatrist, therapist, doctor, etc) wanted me to stay for ten weeks, minimum. I ended up convincing them to let me go after just five weeks...I'm sure they thought I would relapse (I did, of course, as most people do). But I think they also realized that if they tried to keep me there longer, I would be so miserable that I would just get worse and worse, more and more depressed, completely defeating the purpose of being there in the first place.
So I actually went to TK near Chicago. If I had been there two years earlier I would have met Demi Lovato. Pretty crazy. She's talked about a lot around there, in a good way. So was Macklemore. I dunno. Anyways, why do I miss it? Because in some ways, being there was so easy. I had my schedule all planned out, but I didn't actually have to do anything. There were...consequences, I guess, for not participating in some things, but nothing horrid. Basically I just had less freedom. Which...it's not like I had a shit ton of freedom there anyways. It's like when a guy shaves every day...the hair he shaves off, well it's not a very big loss because there was hardly any hair to begin with, you know? (Sidenote: I really love making up stupid and ridiculous metaphors.) So taking away some of my "privileges" at TK was basically like them shaving off my 5 o'clock freedom shadow. Not exactly traumatizing.
And I met a really really great friend there, but she lives in Maryland. I feel like I have no real friends in my life right now. I had to cut my best friend out because our relationship was just so...messy. He broke my heart. Repeatedly. He and I were never only "just friends", but he told me he's not interested in dating me because I'm still in school and because I'm, for lack of a better word, crazy. He never actually called me crazy, but I know he hates a certain part of me. An aspect of myself that I hate too; it feels like a tumor on my personality. Weird emotions that don't always match the situation or the intensity level. It's weird and hard to be around sometimes, and I've gotten better at managing it but it's definitely still there. The problem is, I don't know if it'll ever disappear. Anyways, I guess he wanted to continue breaking my heart and I couldn't sit there watching him mack on other girls because it just killed me inside. Killed me. He held me to these impossibly high standards, yet it seemed like he had absolutely no standards with other girls. It hurt, it still hurts, and I will never understand why he did that. I want to be able to be only friends with him, but I've tried and tried and tried and it's just too damn painful. So I had to tell him that I needed space. And honestly...I don't know if I'll ever speak to him again. But my point before all that was, is that I don't really have friends. I have acquaintance-friends, like from work or school, but all my friend-friends are kind of out of my life. Some I left when I moved cities in January and the friendships just couldn't stand the test of distance. Some just faded. But making friends at TK was easier for me because I was with the same people all day. Plus, just being there meant that I had some similarities with others and they would be understanding with my issues whereas other people might run away. People actually cared about me there. Nobody does here, in the real world. (I mean, my family does, but it's more out of obligation than anything else, it seems like. Nobody in their right mind would have a daughter like me if they could choose.) TK was this depressing, difficult, frustrating, comfortable bubble.
My eating disorder bubble is like that TK bubble (but my eating disorder bubble doesn't cost $6000 per week). It's infuriating and never feels good enough but at the same time always feels good and comfortable. I don't know how to explain it. If you've been there, then you understand. If you haven't then you don't.
I want to lose weight. I want to not have to spend a single penny on food that just makes me feel more gross and more disgusting day after day. I want to be able to run ten miles straight. I want to be able to get up at 6am to work out before class. I want to have friends. I want to be skinny. I want to be bones. All bones.
I want to disappear.
Friday, September 11
the pool is my midnight lover
Just kidding. I went swimming at like 8pm, not midnight.
And that sounds creepy, but whatever.
God I've missed swimming so much. Swimming laps is probably my favorite form of working out by myself. I'm not very fast and my endurance isn't good right now, since it's been almost a year, but still...it's wonderful.
I should have gone to bed like two hours ago but I got caught up watching the last few episodes of the fourth season of Once Upon a Time.
Ended up eating cheez-its (300ish) and a sugar free pudding cup (60) that I normally wouldn't have..
God, I hate myself.
I think I might fast tomorrow...
And that sounds creepy, but whatever.
God I've missed swimming so much. Swimming laps is probably my favorite form of working out by myself. I'm not very fast and my endurance isn't good right now, since it's been almost a year, but still...it's wonderful.
I should have gone to bed like two hours ago but I got caught up watching the last few episodes of the fourth season of Once Upon a Time.
Ended up eating cheez-its (300ish) and a sugar free pudding cup (60) that I normally wouldn't have..
God, I hate myself.
I think I might fast tomorrow...
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